Holy Guardian Angel – 6 months later

Hi all, it’s been a long break. I underwent one hell of a transformative process in my spiritual practice and fallen back on old habits of “playing small” – which is not what we are meant to do at all.

So I’ve returned – temporarily – to the original purpose of why this blog was created – and that was to not play small.

So I am sharing this text I sent to my friend. It’s not perfectly edited or articulated and it doesn’t have to be. This is a start. The text below is a journal entry documenting my experience of the spiritual practice we have in common.

I look forward to expanding on it more whenever that may be.


I’ve avoided writing since trying to articulate my entire world changing with limited vocabulary is simply exhausting. Nearly every attempt at expressing complicated emotional, physical, and spiritual matters to friends has fallen short of any kind of understanding. I feel alone, disconnected, and often depressed after being in the company of others. I recently had one excellent experience during a trip to the Denver/Boulder area which concluded in feeling energized, re-charged, and supported by a large community of people living there. Perhaps I’ll get into that in another writing at some other time.

I’m going to use this text to simplify things a little. Maybe successful articulation can happen one event at a time – Hopefully.

It’s been a hard comedown since the Holy Guardian Angel permeated my soul on August 16, 2019. Its only occurred to me recently that, like everything else – I’ve created my current experience of life via my own invocations and attachments.

I’ve dedicated ceremonies towards guidance and support in fulfilling “that which I am meant to be doing” or “Will” as it is known amongst magicians. Therefore it should come as no surprise that all things which are not my “will” are being cleared away.

I knew deep down, within the first 6 months of ever practicing ceremonial magick, that the current of energy we work with is real. It’s probably the only thing that actually exists, but this is a topic for another time.

Later on, after the fuzzy glow of the angel had settled down a little, I bound myself to fulfilling my will in a dedicated ceremony. This event would change my life in an irrevocable way that I cannot even comprehend the impact of. I felt changed the moment I committed the rite. This powerful initiative is something we must all undergo eventually in one life or another. The magnitude of this deed is precisely why I put off the vow for some time. Making a conscious vow with the Architect of the Universe cannot be broken, in this life or the next. I knew my life would potentially feel uncomfortable, I just wasn’t prepared that feeling uncomfortable meant giving up the things I thought I enjoyed.

Velocity

Looking at shades of myself created and destroyed. Over and over again. Whats emotional is HOW MANY of versions of self were built up and demolished in the last few months alone. The last 6 months are incomprehensible.

There were times when I had everything together, only to be whittled into a pile of “this” in a moments notice. Meeting back at square one again.

I had not realized the velocity at which this occurs.

The construction and destruction is happening daily. Moment to moment. I can see it. I can see myself riding high, feeling and indulging in an abundance of love, and in a minute, crash down as I share in the pain of whoever is across from me, or a memory. Sometimes I’ll be impenetrable to outside energy, other times – despite all the angels and protection around me – the moment takes me anyway.

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New York City. May 2018.

Note to self about ego

It is extremely painful to experience life through identification with ego.

What helps? To remember life experienced through ego is identification only. Not the real thing that’s actually happening.

In other words, life is neutral. It is only ego which chooses to identify whether something is good, bad, or somewhere in between.

Study and Contemplation

I’m entering a period of intense study and contemplation.

It is exciting. I might miss a few blog posts here and there (as I already have), but it’s not really a big deal. While this project is still very important to me and the merits of creating something new every day (writing, designing, drawing, etc.) are valid and of utmost importance. My focus must temporarily shift. At this moment in time, my will is to concentrate on study, contemplation, practice, and integration.

Blessed to live this enchanted life, where I am compensated enough to keep a roof over my head, eat healthy and whole foods, create for a living, and have extra time some evenings for extracurricular activity and study that enriches my life.

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Rich colors of a sunset. J. Hood Wright Park. NYC, 2017.